Sleep

The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her. Bob Marley.

I knew the difference, but guess I had forgotten? In the mix of day to day, in the heartache that is life. To love, to be loved, to be in love. Just for fun, something to do to distract.

And then, it was more.

How you do that voodoo that you do so well. Your voice the rumble of thunder, your laugh gentle as rain and your eyes bottled lightening.

And then it was not.

I cant be what you need, I know.

The damnable shame is, you are what I need. What I want.

And therein lies the impasse. We both knew it. I just didn’t think you would find it so easy to turn from me.

If it hurts you the same, like you said… then all the awards should be yours, Oscars, Tony, Golden Globe. You should have row after row of little gold statues lining your walls.

And over here?

I didn’t want to love you, and I damned sure never wanted to ugly cry until my nose ran and my eyes were red and swollen, my breath short and my head pounding.

 

And Silence. Just silence and confusion.

I could have stayed asleep, not knowing what I was missing. I would not have this ache in my chest, this uncertain hollow feeling.

I also would never have seen blue sparks dancing on my skin.

or felt your calm in the chaos of my mind.

I am grateful for waking, I am.

Thank you.

and Damn you for doing it, and then taking it away.

And damn my weakness for not being able to mirror your actions, to make it look easy, to turn it off. Damn my eyes for crying, my heart for aching. My soul for waking.

 

 

 

 

 

Never Said

So you are living and being happy. Just like I said I wanted you to. You have reasons to laugh and smile and stay up late looking at stars. Just like you said you needed.

I have kids and work and life and turbulent dreams. And I am fulfilling the oaths and promises I spoke.

And my head is understanding why it’s right and why it’s needed. And my mouth forms the right words. And my fingers type smiley faces.

And then my chest aches and my throat closes just enough to make swallowing my pride scrape on the way down. And I slip and tell you. Even if I want to pull it back and stuff it down and under and STOP!

I want you to be happy. Dammit. But all the things said, I never said I could stop loving you.

Maybe

Questions answering my question, you give me… Half way between maybe, sometimes.

I write you sonnets and porn and sing fantasy into life and bite my tongue when it feels sharp.

I ache for you, time and attention.

That thing, you know the one where your fingers get tangled all up in my soul, pull my hair too, okay?

Preventative maintenance is key to life. Rotate your tires, oil changes, fuck your girl, tell her about the stars you hung in the sky for her. Touch souls. Often dammit. Shit starts to break down.

And look, I know that you didn’t hang the stars for me. I’ll let it slide. The other shit is non negotiable. I need love, I need to be important to you. I ask you for nothing that I will not freely give myself.

I am not asking for the whole world, or all the stars in the sky. (You can whisper sweet lies that you gifted them) I am just asking for you, your time, your laughter, your light, your touch, you love.

Questions answering my question, you give me… Half way between maybe, sometimes.

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