Get out of my head. All the hateful, vile things spoken into our lives. Stop bouncing. Stop splintering off. Shrapnel and ricochets tearing new wounds in old scars. Fresh blood.
My skin should be ten foot thick by now. But im tired. Weary and wore threadbare.
Am I just the list of adjectives you use to call me out of name until your rage fizzles out and your storm clears ?
Then follows, your sorry, you will do better.
See, your nothing new under the sun. Fat ass whore was a favorite, maybe I was 8-9?
The list is endless. As my immunity to one insult grows, a new one is found.
I am tired, I said that already. You don’t believe. You don’t see the self loathing, insecure thoughts, when I take the words and stack them up tetris style to fill in the picture of me and I become useless and worthless and selfish and, and, and, and….
Not everyone has the strong foundation of who they are with the rebar of ego in the pilings to shrug off self doubt.
Some are more a house of cards and mirrors.
or stone weathered to pebbles.
Or just fortresses with gaping holes in the fortifications.
Just cease and desist.
Your broken parts that cause your anger and frustration and rage and temper and pain and fear. I see them.
And they see me, and see the weak sister.
My insecurity isnt your making. Its been shaped and honed by all those before you. Your nothing new under the sun.
And I stay. Because ?
This is love ?
Or because this is what all the love I have known has felt like ?
We can both learn better. We knew it once. “We have forgotten the face of our fathers” Steven King, Circa the Gunslingers. Or maybe in my case I am remembering mine too well ?
We are creatures of thought and passion.
I would ask why ? And you could ask the same.
And the echos of words in empty halls rattle glass and knock pictures askew.
And this war that is raging with armistice days just long enough to catch our collective breaths.
I was born into a life of battle. I sought refuge in you, scared and broken. Running from a protracted war still bleeding and shell shocked.
Your promised peace and broke it.
And next ?
For fucks sake, WHAT next ?
Our own holy war lasting infinity.
When you fell in love, did you think here is a woman I can destroy ?
I pray to all the gods that isn’t the truth.
Listen hard and find the echo of the things you loved in me. Find that again ?
And the next time you are frustrated with me or existence or the universe, let that be first from your mouth.
Why did you love that girl, with the blue green eyes who trembled under your touch.
Think of her, before your tell the me in front of you to shut her fucking cock sucker because the me before you flared your temper or a car cut you off in traffic twenty minutes before you stood before me.
Let the echos fade. Please, so that the girl who smiled up at you isnt snuffed out like flame.
Sia King also said ” If you love me, then love me”